Snoop Dog’s George W Bush Connections
23 Jul 2008
Friends Send Friends Viral Emails if they Want to Go to Heaven or a dingy farm
22 Jul 2008
Here’s a viral email that explains the phenomena that entices friends to send other friends viral email.
Its all God’s Fault!
In this episode, Kenny overdoses on Brittany Spears’ weight loss pills after mistaking them for Viagra.
Apparently we have to engage in this email networking of viral jokes if we ever stand a chance of making it into heaven as the following joking parable illustrates.
This explains why I forward jokes MOST OF THE TIME.
A man and his dog were walking along a road The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, ‘Excuse me, where are we?’‘This is Heaven, sir,’ the man answered.
‘Wow! Would you happen to have some water?’ the man asked.
‘Of course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought right up.’
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.‘Can my friend,’ gesturing toward his dog, ‘come in, too?’ the traveler asked.
‘I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept
pets.’The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.‘Excuse me!’ he called to the man. ‘Do you have any water?’
‘Yeah, sure, there’s a pump over there, come on in.’‘How about my friend here?’ the traveler gestured to the dog.
‘There should be a bowl by the pump.’
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog
walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.‘What do you call this place?’ the traveler asked.
‘This is Heaven,’ he answered.
‘Well, that’s confusing,’ the traveler said.
‘The man down the road said
that was Heaven, too.’‘Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s hell.’
“Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that,the man said?”
‘No, we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.’
Soooo
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.
Maybe this will explain.
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?
You forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don’t know what, and don’t know how, you forward jokes.
Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?A forwarded joke.
So, next time if you get a joke, don’t think that you’ve been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you’ve been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
Speed Reading for Dummies (Cliff Note Version)
18 Jul 2008
This is the FREE FREE FREE cliff note version of Speed Reading for Dummies
by
Brett H Bumeter
http://www.viralgrapevine.com/
Produced by Softduit Media http://softduit.com/
Copyright 2008 all rights reserved (and all parking spaces reserved too)
The Word Dummies is probably trademarked and so to all you Dummies publishers, please look at this as my application to publish the full version of this book. I’ve read your standards and will be most happy to comply with them if you give me a green light and a big fat contract (or even an anemic contract with a free years supply of Gorgonzola cheese thrown in on the side)
Chapter 1 Introduction to Speed Reading Magazines
First you need some magazines, have someone go and get you a stack of magazines that if stacked safely would reach up in the air 1,000 feet.
Tip! Don’t let yourself know that someone is buying you 1,000 feet of magazines. It is the key to speed reading success if you never know how much you truly will have to read.
Chapter 2 Speed Reading Preparation
Set yourself up in a well lit room. Sun light is too bright for your eyes. We recommend flourescent tube lighting on egg shell white walls.
Also, you will need a large flat surfaced desk with nothing on it, especially no computer with email running. Turn off any device that makes sound like a mp3 player or tv.
Tip! Equipping your room with a jabbering friend or loved one can actually help to increase your reading speed and retention as you simultaneously learn to block out their wasted breath. In fact, their endless obnoxious jabbering can actually become an incentive to read more and faster, as you will be able to tell them endlessly in response, "I’m sorry I have this big stack of magazines that I have to read today."
Chapter 3 The Stacks
Just like in a library, you must have stacks of magazines in order to fully engage your mind and get up to the proper reading speed. Its the same type of thing with cars that even at idle (with no brakes applied) will often travel at 3-10 mph (5 - 14 kmh) when the accelerator is not even depressed. The cars move because they have lots of road before them and no one gets anywhere going at speeds approaching zero.
Just like that car, you need to see plenty of road before you and so at this point you need to arrange for a 2 foot stack of magazines to be delivered to your home or location every day by 8:30 am.
The magazines should be delivered in a canvas bag (a big ass sack of a bag) and organized as if someone dumped them into the bag from the back of a truck with a pitch fork.
Advanced - If you can get someone to actually do this, you will achieve better results much faster than your peers!
Tip! Magazines do not fill in gaps well, so in the spaces at the edge of the bag you should also arrange for some bonus reading material to be inserted in the form of random internet pages that have been printed onto sheets of paper. When this paper is stacked it should be about 6 - 12 inches high (that’s in female inches or as measured by a female as guys are known to exagerate the measurement of anything under a meter.)
Chapter 5 Unloading your stack
After your bag of material arrives, drop the heavy damn bag on the floor from a height of no less than 1 meter. The bag full of magazines should make a deep ‘Whummppph!’ sound. This is very important as it will help ingrane in your psyche that there is a lot of shit to read and should therefore help give your hypocampus or hypoglamus or one of those hippo sounding brainy glands a jolt like a dolphin stunning fish with sonar.
Question - Why is it OK for whales and dolphins to stun fish with sonar, but it is not OK for the navy to stun whales and dolphins with sonar?
I like dolphins and whales more than fish, but I smell a fishy double standard at play here.
Once your Whump Whummpph bag has been dropped, you should proceed to pull out magazines and papers in a two handed grab. Take your grab of material and set it on your desk. Then methodically and neetly organize it into a perfect stack.
Take the first paper or magazine off the stack, grab a highlighter and a pen, and then open the magazine. Read the magazine really really really fast from left to right and top to bottom unless you are reading hebrew or arabic then read right to left and top to bottom or if you are reading Chinese or Japanese then read top to bottom and left to right or if you are a part Japanese reading arabic and you also happen to be Walleyed and Dislexic then write to me in chicken scratch as if dictated to a one fingered baboon and I will custom pen a version of this book for you by 2015.
Chapter 6 Taking Notes as you go
If you read something important, write why its important write on the page. Highlight only things you will quote.
Then rip the page out of the magazine you are reading and stack neatly in a new stack on the upper left hand corner of your desk.
Repeat this reading and note taking process for 2 hours or until you have a 2 inch stack of papers with important stuff on it.
Then take a 40 minute break to write all that stuff up on a computer.
Chapter 7 What to do with the Used Stack
We all must dutifully work to protect our environment. Therefore, it is absolutely essential that you do everything in your power to recycle the magazines and paper appropriately and in a timely manner.
Do this before the day is out. Do not leave any of this material in your home or office as it will dishearten you and sabotage your attempts to do this again tomorrow.
Chapter 7 Repeat
Now just keep reading stacks like this until your friend tells you that there are no more magazines and also then informs you that you have just completed a 1,000 foot stack of magazines, plus 400 feet of other paper materials.
Chapter 8 Diploma
Once you have accomplished this magnificent goal, you can apply to receive a diploma. PayPal me $6 and I will email you a diploma. If you want something fancy and framed, PayPal me $100 plus shipping materials and funds to pay for shipping.
If you want to walk down an aisle in a cap and gown, PayPal me $5,000, I’ll arrange for you to be snuck into a local university where you can hop into line, and walk down the aisle.
Shaking my hand during this process costs extra. PayPal me funds for a first class ticket to wherever you are and I will jump in front of the Dean of the ceremony and shake your hand.
Video commemorating this event. Video for the event is free if you have paid all the other items above. In fact, I promise to publish the video across the internet for the world to see.
Chapter 9 Finding a Job
Unless you want to apply for a job with the US NSA (requires a security clearance), there are no jobs in this field that will serve you well.
However, there is a competition (urban legend really) where Google is offering a $1 billion cash prize to the first person that can really read through everything and reach the end of the internet before they die.
Good luck!
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The Animals Stand Up and Say - That’s Just Wrong!
30 Jun 2008
It takes a lot for animals to stand up and throw stones at the morality of other animals. This is probably the primary reason why animals other than humans do not engage in religion (if you discount dolphins adoration of psycho therapy . .)
That said, even animals have a few moral limits.
One of those moral limits comes into play when one animal engages in sexual relations with inanimate objects designed to look like animals. What this place needs is more tourists to prevent this type of un-natural behavior. IF there was a golf course present in the vicinity, someone could whack some golf balls in the general direction of this frisky fellow and the statue might not suffer this type of sexual aggression.
Fantasy Porn for Women
25 Jun 2008
This evening I received a silly viral email with a series of pictures offering up porn for women.
I felt that this little viral email was lacking in music and jazzed it up a bit. Women don’t just want picture porn, sometimes they want music video porn too…. maybe even a nice sweet guy to decorate their apartment and color coordinate slipcovers for their love seat, chairs and drapes…
I felt that this little viral email was lacking in music and jazzed it up a bit. Women don’t just want picture porn, sometimes they want music video porn too…. maybe even a nice sweet guy to decorate their apartment and color coordinate slipcovers for their love seat, chairs and drapes…
Of course, I may not know what the hell I am talking about since I’m a guy.
You be the judge!
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